Holehearted

Putting together a heart

 

That's already riddled with holes 

Is like trying to solve a puzzle

With missing pieces...

Like walking East to West

To find the North or South Poles-

Yes you may find the Swiss

But the cheese you missed...

Falling in my own abyss...

Still tripping over my own bag of tricks

I collected 

While I was a kid

Caught up in a Wonderland so Wicked...

Teeming with silly rabbits

Gnawing on my soul

Coming around for second and third helpings

Of my blood and dreams 

Still mixing

 

In God's bowl...

So seductive they couldn't say NO

To my RSVP

To self inflicted purgatory...

Pretending to adore my story

Intent on leeching glory

That I couldn't even see.

Just kept slicing off 

Chunk after chunk 

Of me...

They ate my heart

 

Like it was their instinctive delicacy

And eventually

There was nothing left of me

On which to feed

Except for what their eyes could see.

But their vision was void 

Of my true identity.

I forgot to pray 

So I became the enemy's prey...

I got off course

And became his MAIN course...

I watched the last morsels 

Licked off a plate 

Made of bone...

Not a crumb was left

Like an empty box of Kleenex

Every bit of tissue 

Was gone...

Let there be no confusion

As my mother giving birth

 

To this 11 lb baby

If I'm going to survive...

If I'm going to remain alive....

I need a blood transfusion

 

AND

A heart transplant

But nobody had the right

Blood type...

Yes my AB is positive

But was my IV filled with 

The blood of the Christ?

That would be a negative. 

My heart beat as long 

As it could

On its own

But every method of resuscitation

For which I longed 

Went badly wrong.

My mind reminds me of setbacks-

A loop of throwbacks

Playing on repeat

Like undying eight tracks

Made of memories and stories

Playing back

The old versions of me...

Purposeful nightmares so humbling

They're mind numbing. 

I really did this and that 

To me?

How do I block my mind's eye

So I can't see the screen?

This is beyond embarrassing. 

The hardest person to forgive 

Is me.

My Trail of Tears

Is slipping away

Like disappearing ink

Every time I blink... 

At Luke 9:23

Jesus said,

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."

I could have bled out...

Instead He poured His Spirit into me

And the healing pain of His Light

Made my unholy holey heart shout 

HALLELUJAH!

I will never be empty again. 

In JESUS name,

AMEN....AMEN....AMEN....

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